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Winds of Change

It's been over two months since my last post. I miss this. My writing is always on my mind, but I've had a very difficult time bringing myself to get behind the keyboard again. My loyal companion and very best friend of 17 years was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and passed away. This all happened in the quick time-frame between April 2nd and May 18th.

Louie was my beloved dog for 17 amazing years. As I sit here, I am not quite ready to write this post. In fact, I am not quite ready to live in a world that Louie is not, yet here I am. Grief is strange, and quite confusing at times actually. There are moments I miss him so much I can hardly catch my breath and there are other moments, that I am reminded of him and think back with wonderful memories and leave it at just that - peace.

And that is when there is the part of grief that I was not prepared for and still don't fully understand. It's our old friend guilt. You know, the guilt and shame duo that rear their ugly heads about my drinking or getting sick or pretty much anything I beat myself up over. Well, apparently, just for fun, they are present in grief as well. Maybe not the duo this time as much as guilt.

Guilt shows up and hits me at the most inopportune times. I could be sitting at my desk at work, or driving down the road, even shopping at Kroger, guilt comes along, hits me in the gut and says, "Hey! Louie is gone - how are you this?" And just like that I question myself, how AM I doign this? Am I okay? Am I terrible person? Should I feel more sadness? Should I be crying more tears? Am I sad? Let me tell you, this part is awful because I really do question myself - how am I okay.

That's just what guilt does, basically its day job. When I look at the definition: feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offense, real or imaginary. Can be part of the grief reaction. Well, there you have it! The definition of guilt includes grief. I'm working on pushing through that guilt and allowing myself to grieve how ever it is I need to. Notice I didn't say push through the grief, I do not believe grief is something to push through. I think grief is a lot like the wind, sometimes it's a gentle breeze and sometimes it's powerful gusts and you must embrace it and let is wash over you.

Embracing the wind, I will miss Louie for the rest of my life. He was so special and spent a tremendous amount of my life by my side. The perfect sidekick for all my adult adventures. Little Louie D. 2002 - 2019

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