This is probably not blog worthy, or acceptable protocol for blogging....but since you gotta start somewhere, everything goes! Lately I have had a million and one topics running through my heart, areas I want to explore, research and write. I keep this journal with me at all times, and it is to that stage in a journal's life, when it's ripe, it's ready! It's my everything journal, and it's perfect. Disclaimer - A quick side bar, for those of you who do not know that stages of journals. As an avid lover of all things school supplies, there are stages for new journals. Stage 1 - you only touch, maybe finger through the pages, so inviting and empty, glancing at all the possibility and then gently place it back on the shelf. Stage 2 - you have officially decided on a topic or particular use for the journal, it is now okay to begin thinking about writing in this journal. Stage 3 - It's official, you are now using the journal - the fun has just begun, you organize and write, knowing this is the preliminary warm-ups. Stage 4 - The Bigs! This is when the journal is thoroughly broken in. Notes cover the pages, post-it notes are on pages, mis-matched, yet color coordinated, pages coveered by a variety of topics, with a lot of arrows and directions, all indicating, this is journal perfection. The best stage of a journal.
I digress ... This everything journal of mine has tons of subjects and a plethora of research topics. Big plans. I was cozy by the fire, ready to research - ready to write.
Disclaimer 2 - I am new to navigating the world of my MacBook. So....as I finally settle in to write when low and behold, what do I find on my MacBook - messages from 2015. Yep! 2015! There they were, just sitting - waiting for me to click on the icon and see what memories were in store.
For whatever reason, God put this in my path tonight. My award winning đ journal of ideas could wait, these messages and the directive that followed is what came to my heart tonight to write about.
It was early December 2015, I was still in the hospital at Indiana University Hospital. Not even 10 days prior I had undergone a distal pancreatectomy and splenectomy. I had been in hospitals for months at this point and was ready to go home. I read through a number of the messages from early December 2015. Messages from mom and dad, sister, uncles, cousins, friends, aunts, coworkers.... the sheer amount of love, care, concern, emotion, fear, kindness, devotion, empathy, thoughtfulness, graciousness, and grace expresses throughout those messages was completely and utterly overwhelming. It is through such support and compassion that I developed such an affinity for gratitude. Gratitude in every.single.thing.
Now - as wonderful as the attitude of gratitude is, and in theory, on most days, it is effective and quite lovely. But you know how it goes, how those basement days creep in, and gratitude sucking - ugly emotions invade. They are the Crabbe and Goyle of emotions. I intend to unpack thone two in future blogs. Shame and Guilt. Guilt and Shame. So capable of zapping the joy.
That's why I love to share one of my all time favorite quotes, as Eric Draven says in The Crow, âIt can't rain all the time.â Good stuff is out there and sometimes, God must think you need to see it, hear it, read it. After reading through all those messages this evening and even though the downward spiral with Crabbe and Goyle was quite enticing, I realized how much work I need to do on forgiveness; on the shame I carry with me; and on the guilt I carry with me; and I'm reminded, it can't rain all the time. I need to keep pushing through with gratitude and grace. So do you! You need to keep pushing through, with gratitude and grace.