** Transparency Post**
It is a beautiful summer day. You have on a cute new outfit. You look great! You are up for a promotion at work with many new exciting opportunities. You have a gorgeous home, the homey home you have always wanted. It is almost Friday and you have a free weekend to celebrate your husband’s birthday.
All you can think about is talking to as few people as you possibly can and how many minutes before you can leave, throw your cute outfit on the floor, put your pajamas on and go to sleep, in the basement, in the dark, under your weighted blanket. You aren’t hungry, but you eat. You don’t feel joy, but you laugh with your coworkers. You are numb. You are tired. It is a tired that sleep does not improve.
Does this resonate with you?
I’ve heard people explain depression as the feeling of drowning, except everyone around you is breathing and you are gasping for air. Personally, I have not experienced that sensation. If I did, I would worry that feeling of drowning would only make me want to swim down – sink deeper.
The thing with depression is you do not control your thoughts. You may think you do, but they are what controls you when you are in the throes of it. Imagine wading through a foggy morning, that is how your brain feels, and your body feels numb. And one thing worse than being depressed is having to pretend that you’re not.
I do not doubt that my friends and family care – I know they do. Nevertheless, with that caring also comes fixing. They want to fix it. They would like to see a cause and effect. What made you feel like this? What can I do to make this go away? This all comes from a place of love and sincerity; so you know what adds to the depression. Guilt – not only are you battling the beast, you feel bad about your depression affecting others. You feel everyone is annoyed or disappointed or let them down. Let down, yet again. We all know how are good friends guilt and shame are. They usually join the party in the basement.
One of my favorite parts of Harry Potter is the Invisibility Cloak. The magical garment, which renders anyone or anything covered by it, invisible. This is exactly what I would love to have in my possession during a bout of depression. However, since this is not Hogwarts and invisibility cloaks are probably not real, I will settle for my weighted blanket.
It sounds so cliche to say keep pushing through. Nevertheless, sometimes all it takes is words of encouragement, a weighted blanket, supportive husband, and a good night’s sleep. Then, there are times, that doesn’t do the trick. What do you do then? What do you do when you find yourself cancelling your own counseling appointments, not being productive at work and feeling down right depressed? I guess I just KPT for one more day.